We have an unimaginably good lineup. You get to see Thundercat, Earl Sweatshirt, TV On The Radio, Saul Williams, Trash Talk—we could go on. Oh, did we mention that you’ll get to mosh to a supergroup of Living Colour, Fishbone, and the freaking Bad Brains? You weren’t even supposed to be able to do that in your lifetime. On top of that, during the afternoon you’re going to see some crazy acts that become your new favorite artists. It only costs $75 for the entire weekend, but if even that’s too much for you, we still want you to come so we’ll let you volunteer with a charity to earn free tickets. Food prices are still fairly high, but we have a ton of food from all different cultures that isn’t fried and won’t make you sick to your stomach, but you can totally get that too if you want. Plus you can buy a Coors Light pounder for only $6.
Just come hang out at this park in Brooklyn and listen to amazing music for a weekend. Everyone here is really beautiful and rocking their own unique styles, wearing clothes in ways you didn’t think it was possible to wear clothes. Yeah, it gets crowded sometimes, but everybody stays calm. Nobody is too drunk and certainly nobody is vomiting on your shoes. Everybody is chill.
Made In America
You have to spend $160 to spend the weekend hemmed in by a swarm of drunk White teenagers from the suburbs. Some of the kids will actually pass out before they even make it to the gate. Security apparently did not prepare for the full number of people who RSVP’d to come months in advance, so you’ll wait in line for an hour. If you need to pick up your wristband at will call, you can pretty much count yourself out of the festival entirely. The lineup is actually really good, but you will barely be able to move through the bottlenecking crowds between stages. The festival is sponsored by Budweiser, who generously offers beer for as low as $9.50 for a Bud Light pounder.
Nobody has any chill at all. Day-drunk bros will try to muscle their way past you in crowds in which everyone is already shoulder-to-shoulder and then glare it you like you’re the asshole. Everybody seems to be trying to one-up each other for wearing the most tasteless American flag-themed outfit. Who will win this year? Will it be the person in a tank top emblazoned with the flag and the words “FUCK YEAH” underneath, or will it be the person naked but for a flag wrapped around their crotch? Truly, we will do anything we can to see just how unbearable we can make this festival before you decide the amazing lineup isn’t worth it.